Today in "This Happened"

There's a man in Russia named I.V. Pugach.  Here is a picture of Mr. Pugach:

The first thing you probably noticed about Pugach was his striking facial hair.  He'd be happy to hear that.  See, Pugach is very proud of that facial hair.  How proud?  So proud that he has apparently trademarked that particular style, the kind "with no sideburns that covers just the chin and the patch above the upper lip."  In America, we call that a "goatee," or a "van Dyke" or... well, there are a lot of names for it.  And a lot of individual styles fall within that larger goatee family; having the mouth to work around allows for a surprising amount of variety on a relatively small palate.  And it's gone in and out of style over the years--the nineties were really big for the goatee, and you still see them from time to time. 

But back to Pugach.  He's trademarked his goatee and anyone who wants one requires a license that costs in the neighborhood of $600/year for most people.  There's a higher rate for celebrities.  And in case you thought this guy was just having a bit of fun, he has a website, too.  I can't read Russian, but I understand that it's largely a series of rants (in big black and occasionally red font--red is how you know someone is serious) about people misappropriating the goatee.  Among the miscreants rank world leaders, foreign monarchs (including the Kings of France and Egypt... apparently), clergymen, actors, popular musicians (the nineties never really ended for a certain variety of pop star), and others.

He's even issued a "reprimand" to President Obama for not killing Muammar Gaddafi sooner (just go with it), as Gaddafi was among the most notorious pretenders to the throne within Mr. Pugach's Goatee Empire.  Closer to home, Pugach managed to get a prominent Russian mathematician barred from leaving the country until he paid up for his own goatee, upon a court's order.  Yes, Pugach's trademark has the full and complete backing of the law.  This despite the fact that the mathematician's facial hair isn't actually a goatee, demonstrating that not even Russian courts can agree on what constitutes a goatee. 

Now, I'm not a fan of the goatee.  My stance is a pretty firm "Nine-year-olds grow goatees.  Men grow beards."   But this kinda makes me want to shave off the sides of my ginger-beard and resurrect the embarrassing goatee of my early college days.  No, I'll go one better: I want to start a worldwide Free the Goatee Movement.  An International Growing of the Goat, if you will.  Just for the benefit of Mr. Pugach. 

One more thing: according to the blog's stats, I have some readers in Russia.  So, to those readers, I'd like to say, firstly: "Hi, Russia.  Thanks for reading."  Second: "What is this guy's deal?"  Third: "You want to join my movement?"