Is it possible for a person who doesn't wear a costume to a Halloween party to avoid being labeled "the asshole?" Sure, if someone else decides to forgo the ritual, in which case you're merely "an asshole." But the directness of the article is probably not the bit you're concerned about.
It doesn't matter if you can be considered --in most respects--a functioning adult (Lewis Black has covered that point). Or that you like Halloween but your time/money/creativity is a little short. Or that you--really and truly--just could not be bothered this year. Or that you know from hard-won experience that, halfway through the night, any decent costume will prove bothersome to yourself and perhaps also to others; and that the resulting irritation will be remembered long after people have forgotten how impressed they were when they first saw your get-up. Or that it's not actually Halloween but the weekend preceding Halloween or, heaven forbid, the weekend after Halloween, like some latter-day Treehouse of Horror. Or that it's a Friday and you've come straight from work (you might get that one to fly if you show up late enough, but really, why?). None of this matters. Because everyone must don a costume. Because it's fun. And if there's anything Christmas has taught Halloween, it's that fun can be--and, yes, must be--made compulsory.
Some of you are saying: "This is America. I'm as free as I please to not wear a costume." Certainly. As free as you are to express yourself in any other way in a country with a First Amendment: at the risk of some minor, if pointed, abuse. Because if you chose not to wear a costume, in a roomful of costumed revelers, you are the freak. And people notice freaks. Especially when your lazy freak ass thinks it's entitled to the same candy everyone else has earned.
"Hey!" you'll hear, "someone went to a lot of trouble to set up this party and you couldn't even be bothered to make yourself into whatever the hell topical thing that guy over there did that seemed clever when we first saw it, even though none of us will remember it when we look at the Facebook pictures four months from now."
You can reply with any of the excuses above--even the good ones--and you only dig a deeper hole. Because, even if you actually like Halloween and appreciate what others do with the holiday, you're the Halloween Hater. And the only thing worse than a Halloween Hater on Halloween is a Halloween Hater making excuses on Halloween. "Don't commit your hate crimes here! Hate crime!!"
Then there's the way that even reasonable people react if you tell them that you didn't want to wear a costume: put off by your attitude, dispirited by your indifference. The only person whose face brightens when he gets a load of you is the guy who spilled the punch on the host's new sofa (a tragedy that could've been averted if Captain Hook were allowed to have two hands)--you've taken a lot of heat off of him. And it's the silently disappointed ones who bring the point home, making you feel like the bad guy. "I guess I could've found a funny hat... or something," you mumble, knowing deep down that you brought this on yourself.
Or consider the pitfalls of your explanation for not attending the party, just so you could avoid such a situation: "I didn't want to put on a costume;" really, say it aloud and try not to punch yourself. No self-respecting person could ever say "I didn't want to put on pants" to avoid a regular party and expect to be allowed back into decent society again and the same applies to Halloween and... Halloween society... that's a thing, right?
You like candy, you like booze, and you like socializing where there's candy and booze. Isn't that what Halloween is about? Wasn't that the moral of It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown? No, it's not, and no, it wasn't. Never has been. This is the sick pact we made with one another a long time ago when mortality rates started to plummet and we needed something to keep ourselves entertained during what used to be harvest season. Dress up for Halloween, or be a temporary pariah. A few hours of relative discomfort in a costume, or a few hours of relative discomfort for not having worn a costume.
So, no, there's no way to avoid the "asshole" label.
But you can turn it around and own it, making the label work for you. Just remember the MBA curriculum: embrace the asshole you were going to be anyway. So, this Halloween, do something to make people remember what you did, at least until Thanksgiving. Make people spew their winter beers in stunned wonderment when they see how much you missed the point of Halloween. Shoot the moon and travel so far into "asshole" territory that you come out as "magnificent bastard."
That's why, this year, I'm dressing as Santa Claus.
No comments:
Post a Comment