Debate Night Drinkin'

It's that time again. Time to instantly forget.

For this exercise in citizenship, make sure not to let the bottle get too far out of reach--the way this campaign has gone, the debates (and their corresponding hype-games) are sure to require a refill or three. I recommend Johnnie Walker Black: smooth, warming, and just smokey enough to keep you conscious so that you can recognize the references on SNL later this week. Whatever you choose to get yourself through the night, recall Ron Swanson's sage advice.

Drink: 

• When Romney says "economy" or "jobs." 
• When Obama says "better" or "improving." 
• When either candidate mentions "the troops/armed forces." 

Sinus-clearing gulp:

• When Romney utters some variation of "gee," "gosh," or "golly" (this will probably be more handy in the town hall debate in a couple of weeks). 
• When Obama offers a qualified argument about how we're better off than we were four years ago (basically, whenever "better off" shares a sentence with "but").
• When the moderator mentions "the troops/armed forces."

Finish Your Drink:

• If the moderator brings up Romney's offshore bank accounts or tax returns that referred to the US as a "foreign country." 
• If Obama says something to the effect of "Things are not so great right now. And I know that it's easy for people to get frustrated and lose hope. But, seriously, look at this jughead over here and tell me you really want those dead eyes gleaming at you during every presidential address over the next four years. Yeah... thought not."