Now, Rex, Don't You Eat That Pie

The New York Jets bring Jesus in to challenge for the starting QB job and promptly experience breakouts of fisticuffs.  Mixing religious fervor and a sport designed around violence.  Truly no one could've foreseen this outcome. 

Now, my sources tell me that--despite some previous public words to the contrary--QB Mark Sanchez resented having his starting spot challenged by someone even more mediocre than he.  To underscore this, the former GQ cover-man ripped the head off Tim Tebow's Mr. Honeybunny doll.  Tim, still completely unaware how douchey many people find his schtick, cheerfully countered that Mr. Honeybunny was actually Mark's cherished childhood toy.  Mark eventually relented and agreed to leave the locker room, but on his way he'd be, quote "doing this"--here beginning to windmill his arms around and around--and warned that "if anyone got hit, it would be their own fault."  Tim replied in kind and said he would "start kicking air like this" and is rumored to have said that if anyone got hit, it would be Satan's their own fault.  The Jets locker room was then suddenly full of swinging arms and kicking legs slowly advancing on one another, revealing a previously unknown locker room split over Mr. Honeybunny the starting QB position. 

As coaches made their way toward the brawling players, someone remembered to scold Head Coach Rex Ryan not to, quote, "eat that pie."  I'm still awaiting word on how exactly Coach Ryan received the concussion that landed him in a nearby medical facility, but the NFL has promised to look into all pie-related injuries.